A Challenge to Uwe Boll

5 Comments
Culture, Visual

When Shamus made a post yesterday about Seanbaby scaring Dr. Uwe Boll into submission using only the power of his mind, I was reminded of something I had seen on YTMND a few months ago: Challenge to Uwe Boll:

You would think a man who constantly defends his “love” for videogames and his wishes to recreate our favorite videogames as films would choose a better medium to settle the score [than fisticuffs]. Like Street Fighter or Fight Night.

Uwe just wasn’t having this. He had to settle the score with his fists, and against people whom he selected for their inability to fight.

That’s pretty hardcore, Uwe.

So here’s my proposal to Uwe Boll, to finally settle the score between him and his many critics.

Uwe Boll, I challenge you to a duel. I challenge you to fight me in Tekken 5 on the Playstation 2. I challenge you to a 5-race match in Mario Kart DS. I challenge you to pick a game of your choosing and try to beat me in it.

I can be reached at ichallengeuweboll@gmail.com.

I think this is a pretty good idea. It’s certainly a more sensible thing to do than Herr Doktor’s childish attempt to pummel his critics into submission. But while the intent is good, I do think it falls kind of flat. What does beating Uwe Boll in videogames prove? To me, it proves about as much as Uwe slugging it out with kids from the internets: Nothing. The only point of this exercise is to humiliate Uwe. I propose a different challenge, one which doesn’t take the low road of clobbering or humiliation. Instead, it seeks to utterly destroy Uwe Bolls sense of self, to permanently and irreversibly crush his cockroach-like psyche under the 800lb leather-bound edition or Reality and leave him nothing more than a gibbering moron staring into the abyss of his own uselessness. Well, even more of a gibbering moron.

The challenge? Simple. Upon receiving the acceptance of Uwe Boll, we will schedule a six month period during which both Uwe Boll and I will be required to produce a short or feature length film, whichever is agreed upon. Both contestants will have access to their own full range of resources, including studio funding if applicable. Uwe Boll will be fully able to recruit his usual cadre of goons and cretins, as well as C or D-list actors, to participate in his film. I, on the other hand, have no experience in producing film, no equipment, no third-party funding, no industry contacts, nor any of the other things that Herr Doktor has access to.

The winner of this competition will receive only the consolation of knowing that he was able to make a better film than Uwe Boll. The loser will have to live with the realization that some random film and game lover from the internet with no experience in filmmaking easily outclassed him even when placed at an unthinkable disadvantage.

Uwe, I await your acceptance of this challenge.

5 Responses

  1. I wanna be in the movie

  2. There’s no movie, and it’s pretty much guaranteed Uwe won’t take the challenge. Maybe once I hear from him I’ll start thinking about it.

    Hypothetically what sort of part would you want to play?

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